The Fence
(listen in player)
We’ve got new next door neighbours,
they’re of an ethnic minority
and I’d heard that they come from Gambia,
close to Peru, just north of the Black Sea
so, we’ve decided to put a fence up,
we’ve been meaning to do it for some years
but, it were different when old Mrs. Pritchard lived there
see, she’d always expressed her fears
at feeling closed in, see, she liked a nice view
and at her time in life
well, it were t’least we could do…

but getting back to t’fence
well, we thought we might try
see, if they fancied chipping in
I mean, we’d manage to get by
but, we thought if we put in t’labour
and they bought the stuff
well, I know it sounds cheeky
but we might get enough
to do t’other side as well
‘cos, y’know what they say ?
Once one lot moves in
well, they’ll not go away,
they’ll start coming in droves
‘til they’ve bought the whole street
and they don’t half smell funny
well, have you seen what they eat ?

but getting back to t’fence
well, it were just t’other day
I saw him out in t’garden
so I thought I might say
something along the lines
of what I’ve already mentioned
just, to see what he thought
of my proposed intentions
so, I suggested I might get him
a full estimate o’t’costs
so he could apply to t’social
and then there’s nowt lost
from either of us pockets
‘cos you know, they’re right parasites,
they all come ‘ere, claim t’dole
and then get jobs working nights....

but getting back to t’fence
well, I were almost through saying
what my plans were, but it’s only
so as his kids wouldn’t come playing
in my garden, ‘cos, I’ve worked hard
f’t’get it the way it looks now
see, I were using diplomacy
‘cos I didn’t want a row,
I’ve heard they can be volatile
these hot blooded types,
it’s the drugs that they take,
they full of all kinds of tripe...

but getting back to t’fence,
I’d near finished my rapour
saying, how I’m pleased we’re now neighbours
and how I’d never before
had the pleasure to ....
....well, you know he stopped me
right there in my tracks
y’know, his English were perfect
I were taken-a-back,
he said “Please Mr.Smith,
before you say any more,
would you come and meet my family
and bring your wife, I implore
that, in the next week you both honour us
with your company, for some food
and excuse me, for I don’t wish
to appear to be rude
but would you please not patronise me
with insincerities and flannel
and simply forward me the bill
when you’ve found some fencing panels!

Well, my new neighbours, they’re from the West Indies,
Trinidad to be more precise,
they’re called Mr. and Mrs. Masson
and they’ve two children who’re ever so nice
now, the food was to-say-the-least, different
in fact, what I’m really wanting to say
is that, I only ate it out of politeness
and it gave me terrible wind the next day
now, I didn’t really think much to t’decor,
it’s not what I’d have chose for myself
but, I could tell it weren’t cheap an’it were ever so comfy,
oh and the trophies they’ve got on t’shelf,
see, he used to be a top cricketer
until he got his Master’s degree
and she’s got more qualifications than him
but she stopped work ‘cos they wanted a family....

but, getting back to t’fence
well, we’ve been thinking of late,
we might miss out one o’t’panels
and have a nice little gate.....